An Open Letter to my Daughters
Today I thank God for the “bed” weather where we can simply enjoy lying down, hugging and cuddling. Sometimes I appreciate us just being in one room together, watching funny videos, dancing to boom boom dance. We do water color painting and play scrabble or snakes and ladders. Yes, your silly quarrels are annoying, the endless curious questions are difficult to answer. And I cannot keep up with all the mess you seem to create with your every move. But mommy loves every single moment of it.
Next week will be the last of my long vacation. And I will be working again 48 hours in a week and sometimes more. I am grateful for my job as I can provide you with all your needs. But I am also thankful of these opportunities to stay with you and spend more time with you both. I will feel guilty again for not preparing your meals for school days. Mommy cannot even dress you up for school, do your hair and kiss you goodbye before entering your classroom nor pick you up after.
Instead I leave for work while you are still sleeping. And come home late to do your assignments. Most of the time I ask your Tita to do. Because of a stressful day at work and would like to rest my mind. You will both cry for mommy to help and I just give in as this is also our time to bond. Sorry for raising my voice when I have to repeat every word for you to get the lesson. My “teacher’s voice” is the only voice you seem to listen to. It tears you up but still you prefer mom to tutor you and it warms my heart.
I feel ashamed of even thinking of “me” time or hanging out with friends after work. As I feel I do not spend more time with you. On weekends, you always ask if I need to work and when I do say no, you literally jump for joy. It makes me so happy and apologetic at the same time. Like I do not stay home more often than I should.
I try not to miss all your poem recitation competitions. But I feel like crying when you ask me why I do not watch you dance. Or why I do not attend your Christmas party like other moms. I try to explain and your little minds always seem to understand. Your big hearts are so forgiving. And I ask God every day what goodness I did to have you both in my life.
My beautiful daughters, know that my love for you is beyond measure. I am so sorry for all the shortcomings. Hope you feel that I do try as much as I can to spend more quality time with you. I also do not want to miss your childhood years full of your innocent retorts and funny remarks. Do you remember when you asked me why I do not talk to dogs? I said because they do not talk and you said they do bark. And you understand them specially Ashi and Juan. I agreed to talk to them with a big grin suppressing a laughter because of your serious tone.
I wonder how you came up with the idea of the trees waving at you. It’s just wind, I said, but you disagreed saying only kids can see the magic. My apologies for not playing with my imagination my love, I do need to be child-like sometimes. Often I do feel that I need you more than you need me. My focus is to make a living, earning and providing and you frequently bring back the child in me. Please continue to shower me with tiny little kisses and tight, warm hugs. It miraculously takes away my weary mind and tired body. You give me strength and make me endure life.
Let us travel more with daddy this coming new year. Find more family time and make memories. I can only give you a simple life but I promise it will be meaningful. Next year, let us enroll in swimming lessons or piano lessons. How about a ballet? Or do you want another summer camp? I can not say I will not miss your play or your school’s foundation day. But I will be there for you when you need me. Forgive me for not buying you a tablet or expensive doll. But we can go to the beach or theme park and share wonderful moments as a family.
Today let us just lie down, hug and cuddle some more. Say endless I love you’s, please whisper mommy kiss me more. Because life is short and childhood days are not here to stay.
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