Grieving the Child I Never Knew

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Second pregnancy was not in our 2018 list, so it came as a surprise for us. It was an easy pregnancy, no morning sickness, no cravings, no signs at all. I was pregnant and I didn’t knew it.

I’ve had irregular bleeding for two months and I thought it was my monthly period. After several abdominal pains, I opted to have pregnancy test, and viola, I had positive results twice.

Yes, it was unplanned pregnancy but it was not unwanted. It wasn’t the perfect timing but it was a perfect blessing. We were so happy to announce the good news with family and our closest friends.

We discovered that I had ectopic pregnancy.

Never have I imagined that the happiness we had would slowly turn into a nightmare. When I had my first scan, we discovered that I had ectopic pregnancy. My baby developed in my left tube which explains my abdominal pains and bleeding. As what my OB Gyne explained, there is a very little chance that the baby will reach the uterus. If worse comes to worst, I will have to undergo emergency ceasarian operation to remove the baby. We held on to that little chance and prayed hard.

It was early all souls day morning when I had contractions and bleeding. I knew right there and then that I lost my baby. I had a whirlwind of emotions, I was both sad and relieved. The feeling of guilt was overwhelming, guilty of feeling relieved from the continuous pain of contractions, guilty of feeling thankful of being spared from an operation. The physical pain subsided, but the pain of losing my baby kicked in. The reality that I would never get to know my baby was so painful, it was incomparable.

Hearing kind words from family and friends makes it easier.

Having announced my early pregnancy, means I have to announce its loss. It was never easy to tell my story over and over again, but then again, sharing my story and hearing kind words from family and friends makes it easier. Trying to keep myself busy helps a lot. Luckily, I have my two year old daughter who is more than willing to keep me occupied and a loving husband who is very supportive even when he is also in mourning.

To the child I never knew, I am your mom and I love you so. It maybe a short moment of having you in my tummy but my love for you will last a lifetime. Always be happy ’cause you are in your happy place now.

To the child I never knew, I end my grief and celebrate the short life you had. I may not have the chance to meet you now but I know that someday, I will meet a little boy who looks a lot like me and calls me mommy.

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Ailen Tomas
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